Let me entertain you

baronashkenazy @ 2006-09-16T16:17:00

2006-09-16T20:17:51Z

Okay, so this made me feel slightly better.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-09-16T15:49:00

2006-09-16T20:00:38Z

Enraged at you, Online Bill Payments!

I demand you take money from my checking account to make payments! Then you wait for three weeks to process my payment! Thusly putting a hold on my credit card! NOW I have not the money to make the payment by a mere $3, a payment which you now choose to process. HOWEVER! You decide to post my payment as "Processed: Complete" the whole time! NOW I don't know what payments are processing and what payments are done and what payments were declined and what I need to do to fix this fiasco!

Killing everything now. Be back in a shortly.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-09-16T03:00:00

2006-09-16T07:01:56Z

This is vital information I must share now.

I just made the greatest grilled cheese sandwich ever in the history of me making grilled cheese sandwiches.

And Rachel Ray is such a bad tipper that I never feel bad watching her always eating "alone" because no one wants to travel with her.

Back to your regularly scheduled programs.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-09-15T23:42:00

2006-09-16T04:07:00Z

Well, here we are again. Just had to say a few things to no one in particular.

One.
I had to gank this off of funfairiegirl for my knitty friends who aren't privvy to such postage.

Head over to Charlotte Yarn for grab bags of yarn!! Seriously. Grab bags are $10 - but I had well over $50 worth of premium yarn in mine. The bags are clear, so you see what you are getting! Too good to be true? Maybe, but it is a GREAT way to splurge on some nice yarn without taking a serious hit to your pocket.

I look out for my fellow crafters. And if you find a way to get really cheap sterling silver wire, I expect the same courtesy. I'll even make you earrings or something.

Shit, I have to work on more earrings someday.

Not now.

So deal.

Two.
I spent a retarded ammount of time today setting up tables. The things I whore myself out for when it comes to cash and free Indian food.

Three.
I am currently in love again with Tracy Bonham for her cover of "Crazy In Luv," a song that infuriates me for it's blatant use of shortcut-spelling, yet intrigues me with it's catchiness. Particularly when Tracy does it. Thanks for not fading away, even though I don't really like anything but your first album, and that may or may not be for sentimental reasons.

Also I have started appreciating Miranda Sex Garden more and more. Because what's better than a sex-garden, you ask? I offer Exhibit A: a bouncy air castle filled with pudding. Draw your own conclusions.

Four.
The Order of the Stick not only makes a Princess Bride referance, but has also revisited one of my favorite gags, poking silly at the Bard's Inspire Competancy skill. And I never anticipated using that sentence ever in my life.

Five.
COME SEE ME IN MY HORROR DEBUT! And watch faeadora fall off the bus! Go to www.queencityghosts.com and start planning an evening of terrifying bus rides now! It'll be worth it, either for the atmosphere or just for a laugh. We're not sure yet. We're leaning towards laughter. But my part is good, dammit!

Six.
Next Tuesday, I audition people for my new battered girlfriend. I am quite excited that I get to be mean and bastardlike again.

Seven.
A random person today told me I was hot. And my first response was, "I know, aren't I?" before I realized he wasn't one of my friends whom I can make such jokes with. Oopsie.

Seven is a good number of major points, and lucky at that. So I shall not jinx future events by sullying this journal with a non-lucky number. To show how dedicated to the number seven I am today, note that there are exactly seven bold words in this post if you don't count journal links. Wrap your mind around that!

baronashkenazy @ 2006-09-13T13:25:00

2006-09-13T17:30:16Z

Which Food Network chef are you?

Oh bother!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Sadly, though, the description for the... other... answer... was more accurate. Until the bubbly and giggly part.

Other than that, I have no substance to offer you today.

Massive Update

2006-08-31T18:44:57Z

Yes, it's been a while. And the first time I plan on sitting down and working on a "here's where I am" update, money problems hit me in the face and put me in an ultra-foul mood.

So instead of boring you with the same old, "I'm broke and no one wants to hire me" song, please enjoy this picture of a double bacon cheeseburger.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-16T17:10:00

2006-07-16T21:40:48Z

Since I can't decide which one I like better...

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel

Your first name:

How you gained your rule:

Your title is:

Your Godliness

Your symbol is:

a Jack Russel terrier, because of Wishbone

You rule from:

a mansion always surrounded by storm clouds! Boom!

At your side is:

the band who plays your theme song

Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:

elves - with WINGS!!

Your most popular law is:

No more speakers on cars that rattle windows of homes

Your least popular law is:

Banning of the quote marks hand gesture

Your worst enemy is:

no longer with us. Foul play? Who, you?

Your popularity rating is:: 96%

Your chance of being overthrown is:: 10%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel

Your first name:

How you gained your rule:

Your title is:

Oh Great Powerful Super-Duper One

Your symbol is:

the snake, because you can wear it like a feather boa

You rule from:

a clear, crystalline palace, and change in the basement

At your side is:

your griffon steed, Simba

Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:

ex-dancers who can still shake it at parties

Your most popular law is:

No-pants Fridays

Your least popular law is:

State bird is the blue-footed booby

Your worst enemy is:

those awful clashing tapestries in your great hall

Your popularity rating is:: 41%

Your chance of being overthrown is:: 30%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I have three boxes of books packed. I doubt that's all of them, since some titles are currently on loan from the Great Library of Me. I dread some of this packing. I also dread poisonous spiders. Thought you should know.

Rearranged all of my CD's so they all have a home in a nice comfy case now. Three cases, each one a different collection, arranged by theme and content. Makes me feel like I did something.

Discontent and restless. Wanting to do something and not sure what. And it's not pack, I can guaran-damn-tee that.

I need more Charlotte friends so I don't become a loser after the move. And remind those who are up there that I'm coming. Just a thought.

Of course, considering who I'm going to live with, I'll probably become a loser anyway, by association.

Maybe Best Buy has The Oblongs on DVD.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-14T16:15:00

2006-07-14T21:54:11Z

This is... a Missy Elliot one time exclusive.

Okay, so it's not Missy Elliot, nor was the song a one-time exclusive. But it just so happenes that I'm listening to an old CD I found while cleaning out my CD disaster area. It was untitled, but it includes such hits as:

"Work It" by Missy Elliot
"Die Another Day" by Madonna
"Gotta Get Thru This" by that random guy who did that one song
Various hits from American Idol Season One
And a whole slew of Ultra Gay songs from 2003

I think Casey Chapman burned it for me. They sound like his kind of jams, yo.

Ah, nostaligia. I shall thusly name it, The Greatest Hits of the Lodge.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-13T12:52:00

2006-07-13T16:53:36Z

Fatty: We got it.

Mimi: I have 44 and this is getting hard to cut down.

Universe: Excellent, you.

End cryptic transmission

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-11T23:37:00

2006-07-12T03:43:33Z

"I know exactly how you feel, Milo. I would be lost if it weren't for my pet clam."

Francine, that's a change purse.

"....how like life."

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-08T13:17:00

2006-07-08T17:27:43Z

First, to break the ice:

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Andrew's Lurgy
Cause:	stress
Symptoms:	frequent stigmata, stiffness, knee pain, hovering
Cure:	eat more sausages
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Now, on to substance.

Directing a one-act show at RHCT, and only 13 auditionees in four hours. Three an hour, roughly, for the mathematically impaired. For a set of shows requiring 16-18 people (I haven't read the other plays, so that's a sketchy figure.) Only thing keeping me from shooting up a post office being the promise of Munchkin tomorrow.

You'd better deliver, or people may suffer.

Working diligently on the move. That should pan out sometime next week, because apparently, my credit is better than I... well.. gave it credit for. Still kinda sucky, but not sucky enough.

Think I'll do something special for myself today before dinner. Not sure what yet, but we'll get to it.

And your thought of the day:
"I think my actor roommate is ugly and untalented."

I think that just about covers it, don't you?

baronashkenazy @ 2006-07-03T15:35:00

2006-07-03T19:41:15Z

I had to post this, just because of HOW I died. Which could explain a lot.

I died in the Dungeon of BaronAshkenazy

I was killed in a gothic-arched temple by the wrath of Theatre, whilst carrying...

the Armour of Asimplejen, the Amulet of Adult Swim, the Sword of Acting, the Dagger of Sushi, the Crown of Brandipoo, the Wand of Quotes, the Crown of Smackeymouth, the Crown of Instrumentalike, the Axe of Standp, the Axe of Darksidhe, the Wand of Moonsidhe and 64 gold pieces.

Score: 157

Explore the Dungeon of BaronAshkenazy and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...

Wow.

2006-06-17T04:07:34Z

Lots of stuff to think and worry about. All of it will turn out well regardless of the decision, and all of it has big drawbacks. What to do, we at Andrew don't know. But one thing's for sure: with plenty of time to make the decision, there are other things to worry about first.

A thorough update may or may not be on its way, and then, all secrets (that I feel like telling) shall be revealed. The darkest parts of my soul (that I feel like revealing) shall be illuminated. The most tantalizing stories (that I feel like illuminating) will be...

I think you get the drift.

Holy crap!

2006-05-31T04:04:55Z

Debra Wilson has a lot of tattoos. Sweet!

baronashkenazy @ 2006-05-21T12:33:00

2006-05-21T16:55:14Z

The work of Julian Beever, an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, the US, Australia and Belgium.

People are actually avoiding walking in the "hole."

A shot from the wrong angle.

What you should see.

Politicians Meeting Their End.

This drawing, Rescue, was to be viewed using an inverting mirror, thus making it trippier.

Illusion

Reality

Don't think I'll EVER have that much time on my hands. And that may very well be a good thing.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-04-04T02:21:00

2006-04-05T06:33:20Z

Days one and two of the don't-beat-your-girlfriend workshop--finished. And a good start, I think. Read up on the curriculum for my new Commercial Acting class, and am despairing on how to fill up two hours a week with, "Just hold the chips and smile. Come on. Smile. Look happy."

My model children all look like they hate their lives. I don't blame them. If I knew how much I was paying for this crock, I'd hate mine too.

My sick car is all better and I get to finally pick her up tomorrow. Yatzhee!

I just spent an absurd amount of time crafting. peanutme's new toy is finished, and I'm working on some kind of necklace device, working on my first actually commissioned piece (for Megan/Lithedia) and wrapping pearls (harder than I had imagined.) With the help of meekachuegs I also just spent an absurd amount of time researching blood transfusions and hemolysis--usually occuring one to two hours after transfusion, symptoms include pain in the side, fever, and hemoglobinuria. Fancy term for "blood in yer pee."

Why the hell am I doing this, you ask?

It's all for you, runefairy. It's all for you.

Learning many things today

2006-03-10T04:05:14Z

'B.E.D. Self Contained Classroom' stands for 'Behaviorally and Emotionally Disturbed.'

I'm sure it'll make for a great story when I actually get over the emotional frigidity in some of those kids. Not defiance. Not apathy. A vaccuum.

Heard some stories of kids in the BED classes. Felt a little sick.

According to the sagacity of www.godhatesfags.com and the Westboro Baptist Church, all soldiers in the military are one of two things: "Fags, or fag-enablers." Grieving families are worshipping the bodies of soldiers. Therefore, we should protest faggotry at all military funerals.

Actually heard one of these people on NPR. Her voice was weird and sounded... I don't know... brainwashy. They've become my new favorite cult. I may be totally uniformed, but I didn't know that rampant ass-sex and drag parties were quite the Marines' flavor. Then again, I could be wrong.

I may add, however, that I am now enraged with all the fags out there who NEVER TOLD ME about our three-point agenda of 1) decriminalizing sodomy, 2) adding fags to the protected classes as victims like blacks, and 3) criminalize Gospel preaching against fags. And bad form for not adding such essential points as 4) a 70% off sale at Pier-One, 5) The Will and Grace channel, and 6) a non-greasy facial moisturizer that still offers significant protection from the sun while not clogging pores. Bad fags! Bad!

Apparently, God also hates Sweeden. Who knew?

No, I think that about takes care of itself.

It makes me kinda want to say that if you plan on using John 3:16 as evidence of God's hatred of Fags/America/Canada/Sweeden, make sure you dance effectively around the fact that the first verb in the verse is "loved." So far, I'm not seeing enough fancy footwork. Although your "Save the Children from the Fags" puzzle game is intriguing, even though you should probably be aware that the pink swastika is an oxymoron, comparing "fags" to "Nazis," who actually saw them at the same level as Gypsies, Jews, and Retards (capitalized to recognize Retard Rights), and such pseudo-deconstructive symbology (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here, hoping that you'll forgive me for potentially gramatically slaughtering some of these sentences) is way totally last season. Like CK One last season.

And THAT isn't faggotry. That's just gay.

At least I can laugh at something today.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-03-06T01:04:00

2006-03-06T06:09:45Z

I did not win any Oscars, even with my lame costume. At least Pride and Prejudice didn't win either. We're convinced the gay cowboys cheated. And you're not going to convince us otherwise.

This confusing moment of complaint was brought to you by the letter Q, the gayest letter of the alphabet.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-26T22:29:00

2006-02-27T05:27:05Z

Well, at the conclusion of the Crafting Olympics, I have accomplished quite a bit.

Starting from scratch, I learned all about wire jewelry sculpting. In my little educational oddyssey, I completed:
--Five silver rope rings
--Five stone pendants (only three of which I'm really impressed with at all.)
--Two gold bands, one with filigree scrolls on the top
--Three pair of earrings
--Most of a Victorian choker
--One rope bangle bracelet

I compare these to such sports as short-track speed skating and luge. Finished pretty quickly, but you can enter a bunch of events.

What the hell am I going to do with all this jewelry? Good lord! I mean, three of those rings I can probably claim as my own and wear on a regular basis, but the rest?

And going to start working on these once I get earring-quality wire.

Now all I need is money for better wire. Although the stuff wanderbyy gave me is going to good uses.

The school I go to tomorrow is in a neighborhood where there were over 100 acts of vandalism on cars in the past 48 hours. Not so sure I want to get up and go to work tomorrow. BUT it's ONLY 15 minutes away!

Holy. Crap. This after several days of 45 minute to hour long commutes. Woo-ee! AND Wednesday and Thursday I only have to do one workshop a day! AND next week, the school is only 5 miles from a Friendly's. Which is off the cha-haaain.

Now, time to go watch heroin addicts on TV. I call it research. Really, it's just entertaining to watch how wonderful my life is in comparison. Making me realize just how much I love everything I have.

Parts of me want to keep up with this line of work and become a counsellor of sorts someday. Must run in the family.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-22T17:07:00

2006-02-22T22:13:56Z

Wore two of my craft projects (two rope-rings I made last night that I'm pretty proud of) to work today, and got several compliments, among them, one of the students from our last (and arguably, worst) class. She ooh-ed and ah-ed over it and asked where I got it.

I said I made it and explained how.

She sucked her teeth and went, "Man, that's ghetto."

To her, I say, Let it be known that your poor bitchery will one day catch up to you, and she who serveth the bitch kool-aid thusly shall be served.

Some call it a threat. I call it prophecy.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-21T20:39:00

2006-02-22T01:57:05Z

So, crafting like crazy. It's all Mel's fault. Currently sporting a new nifty silver ring, and in posession of gold one, two pendants, and a bracelet with three different styles of matching earring, one for any mood. Just started the matching necklace for the set (mostly because I'm trying to use up all the beads I bought in one project.) Sure, it looks a tad amateur... so sue me, I'm an amateur.

My hands hurt, but I feel productive. However, my coffee table looks like a wire graveyard. If I had a digital camera, scanner, or any other photo-storing acoutrements, I would put pictures online. Since I don't, maybe I'll just hire live models to follow me around wearing it.

I am sorely disappointed by the US and their performances this Olympics. Therefore, in 2008 and 2010, I shall be supporting the Ugandan cross-country and ice-dancing teams, respectively. I have a reason for this. Don't question me.

What to make next... Oh, the possibilities.

Bitch Kool-Aid at its finest

2006-02-14T01:11:12Z

Oh HEEEEEEEEELL no, UPS. Do NOT pull such poor-bitchery as to not knock on my door, but instead just save time and post a "gee, too bad you weren't here to get your package, we'll try again later" notice on my front door AS I AM SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM, LESS THAN 20 FEET AWAY! Particularly packages that have been statused as "Out For Delivery" since 5 AM this morning, and I've been patiently waiting for since 4. NOW you claim it won't be re-delivered until I'm out of town tomorrow, promising I really won't be able to sign for it this time!

Screw you so much.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-06T15:11:00

2006-02-06T20:17:49Z

My Aliases

Your movie star name: Nutella Ralph

Your fashion designer name is Andrew Prague

Your socialite name is Huck York

Your fly girl / guy name is ABar

Your detective name is Chinchilla Sumter

Your barfly name is G.T. Cookout

Your soap opera name is James Shoreland

Your rock star name is Take 5 Bullet Train

Your star wars name is Andmax Bartro

Your punk rock band name is The Inert Bagpipe

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Might I add that my "detective name" sounds more like my "dirty hooker name." But I do believe that one day, Take 5 Bullet Train and the Inert Bagpipe shall be making their debut.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-06T14:42:00

2006-02-06T20:00:24Z

So, during our drug awareness workshops, there's almost always one or two smartasses who are very vocally pro-drugs. To them, I say, "Oh, just you wait. I will shred your dreams into such small pieces you'll never find all of them, you little snotface."

Okay, so I don't say those words exactly, but I'm sure thinking them.

Today, however, the last class I had was FULL of pro-drug kids. Many of them potentially ON the drugs they are supporting. I'm never (overtly) judgemental of them, but I do point out fun facts, like how smoking anything puts formaldehyde, ammonia, and insecticides into your lungs, and how one joint can have as much of that, as well as other fun chemical goodies, as an entire pack of cigarettes. That's a whole slew of dirty toilets, bug poison, and dead frogs. Do it if you want, just know exactly what you're doing. Beyond that, I'm okay with whatever you decide.

Except this time, when I showed them the fact, several of them claimed that I was lying. When I said scientists had studied this, they claimed the scientists were lying. And even though we're supposed to be "cool" and "hip" with the kids, frankly, I was over it. So I said, and I quote: Well, thank you, Dr. Reefer, but shouldn't you clip your PhD diploma off the cereal box BEFORE you try to frame it? They didn't quite get it, so I continued with: I'll believe you when I see your published 5 to 10 year study on the effects of marijuana on the human lungs, which will require you to first graduate not only college, but high school as well. Go ahead. Dazzle us.

Was that uncalled for? Moot point, as he didn't hear it anyway. But it sure felt good to say. Almost as good as tearing up Princess' dream of being a hairdresser. She was being a tool, so I used her as our "poor decision" example, detailing how she was in a coma for a month because she got hit by a car while she was high, leaving her with greatly reduced hand-eye coordination. Only this time, when she picked up the pieces of her dream, I took them out of her hand, said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. On top of all that, you have medical bills," and threw it back at her a second time.

Thank goodness we weren't being observed. Barbara and I were heinously nasty to that last class.

There is much cleaning to be done in the next three hours, but I feel the need to lay down for a minute. Today was brutal. But I wouldn't trade it for all the shredded dreams in the CMS middle schools.

baronashkenazy @ 2006-02-06T01:00:00

2006-02-06T06:03:25Z

Sometimes, I wonder why I even try. Then I realize how amusing the futility can be, and that answers all my questions.